estelraca: (Default)
[personal profile] estelraca
Almost burst into tears while putting a dog to sleep today. Like, I was trying really hard not to simply start bawling in the exam room, was blinking away tears, trying not to sniffle, biting my tongue hard enough to draw blood because I needed to not cry and it just barely worked. My voice still cracked when I was trying to explain things and I still had to swipe at my eyes but at least I didn't full on break down. I still kind of hate myself right now because of this. It was a hard case--it was an old therapy dog, super sweet old girl, but she had really bad kidney problems and I could probably have made her feel better for a little bit but I couldn't fix it and the owner didn't want to go through the roller-coaster of a dog with kidney disease. I'd already had two different half-hour conversations with the owner crying the whole time trying to explain the problem and the options, and the owner was crying the whole time we were putting the dog down and meanwhile the dog was trying to lick the owner's face to make her feel better and tail wagging the whole time and I just couldn't handle it like I needed to. She wasn't my dog. It wasn't my grief or my right to cry then. I did the euthanasia perfectly (one of the reasons I think the emotional part of euthanasias is hitting me harder now is that my skill with hitting veins and not blowing them even when they're ancient has gotten astronomically better, so when it's a big dog and during business hours so my techs are there and it's well-restrained there's nothing else to focus on). But I know my tech was annoyed with me, and I know that my bosses would've been able to do it without getting that shaken, and I know I need to figure out how to do even the hardest euthanasia without letting the tears show to the owner because it's not my pet. It's theirs. It's their grief. But we've had so many bad euthanasias this week, old sweet animals with super-attached owners, and I just... couldn't. I couldn't find that distance right then.

And the government has sold my student loans to a different company without telling me anything, meaning I can't pay electronically (and meaning I had to spend time tracking this down because they didn't tell me). Meaning I have to figure out where to send a check, and will have an extra ten days or so worth of interest charged, which on vet school loans is not a laughing matter. But at least I know what's going on there now, as opposed to my freak-out when I found out that I couldn't pay this month's amount due.

And M's car died (like, scrapyard dead) and Cat's car is making strange noises. And Cat had a rough day at work, and is not in a good mood now and is tired and stressed.

And I'm having stupid issues about my writing again. I shouldn't. I know. I am a decent writer, no matter what my own self-doubts want to say. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to write things.  It doesn't matter who reads it or reviews it. All the fanfic writing I do is good practice. All that should matter is that I enjoy writing whatever I'm working on, that I get the practice with the craft. Other stuff is icing on the cake. And one day I will actually finish one of my original works. Or maybe I won't. But I should enjoy it. Writing is something I love, and I should (and do) enjoy it, so stop obsessing over stupid things, brain.

Nothing absolutely terrible is going on.  There's just been a lot of little things plus some grey days that have added up to make me a bit depressed.  Blargh.  Hopefully we'll read some Vorkosigan or watch some Kitchen Nightmare or something once Cat's had a chance to settle down and life will look better.

Date: 2013-06-12 10:41 pm (UTC)
box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
*hugs*

It's okay to be emotional. Again, I will say that I could never have the job you do, because I would probably be breaking down every single time. (Admittedly I'm more than a little necrophobic, which wouldn't help anything either, but still.) To be honest, I'd rather have someone who I could cry with if I ever was in that situation than someone who remained cold. And the dog's story sounds so heart-wrenching that it's affecting me reading it, and the atmosphere sounds like it would have been so emotionally charged, so I can only imagine what it would have been like being there.

The government is stupid sometimes. And by sometimes I mean a lot. I'm sorry that they were directly stupid to you like that. It sucks. I hope that they at least give you a bit of relief, due to not giving you any notice whatsoever. They should, as a business model. (And being vocal about it may help you get that.)

Also, your writing is wonderful. I don't think I've read anything of yours that I didn't like. I may be just one person, but I can say that quite honestly at least. (And I can also tell you that [profile] tsukinogake was laughing along with me on the fics that I've showed her. ...for that matter, she pretty much gets me to poke her every time you update anything, so I can officially say that you have fans if that counts for anything.) And you should enjoy it, yes. Write what you like and like what you write. <3

It's only a 5-ish hour trip to go and hug the lot of you. That's totally worth it, right?

Date: 2013-06-13 01:26 am (UTC)
box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
No-one ever said the best decision had to be the emotionally easiest. That's for sure.

Now just for the other bazillion issues. *pokes the government with several sticks*

It should be [personal profile] tsukinokage. Because I can spell. But yes.
Heh. Ghosts are good. Though I suppose you already know my position there. And if it makes for awesome work, all the better. If very sad.

Indeed. Obviously someone needs to invent the hug bank to serve such a purpose.

Date: 2013-06-13 01:41 am (UTC)
enjolras: (Default)
From: [personal profile] enjolras
Hate to jump into the conversation, but is tsukinokage the same tsukinokage on LJ? The one who used to write HP fiction and Yami no Matsuei fanfic? She wrote with Xandria before in a closed rp?

If so, wow. Small world!

Date: 2013-06-13 01:44 am (UTC)
box_of_doom: pink bunny (bunny)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
Pretty sure she's not, unfortunately.

She had about half a dozen lj accounts over the years, but typing in that URL... I don't think that was one of them.

Sorry.

Date: 2013-06-12 11:05 pm (UTC)
mmejavert: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mmejavert
*hugs* You have a big heart so of course you're going to be emotional. It happens to the best of us. At least it sounded like this dog was tired and weary and definitely not going before her time, but sadness and tears are definitely contagious. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. ♥

And I totally hear you in regards to writing. Obsessing over stupid things is definitely something we have in common.

Loans. Blah. What total dicks. I don't own a checkbook so I can just imagine what a giant hassle it is to have to write checks every month. This company totally needs to join the 21st century here. :| And I feel the car noises feel. Oh, that one is close to home too.

*more hugs* ♥

Date: 2013-06-13 02:12 am (UTC)
bobbiewickham: Kalinda Sharma of The Good Wife (Default)
From: [personal profile] bobbiewickham
Oh, I'm so sorry about the dog. It's okay, I think, if you can't always keep your emotional distance--okay and inevitable both. I imagine the ability to keep that distance all the time is something that only comes with years of practice.

Student loans....grrr. Everything about them is just rage-inducing, and who on earth uses actual checks anymore?

And your writing is way better than decent, of course.

Date: 2013-06-18 12:38 pm (UTC)
catofshades: (Reading Time Color)
From: [personal profile] catofshades
Sorry my mood upset you. *hugs*

And I wish your work was so rough on you hon. I don't have much constructive to offer, just really big hugs. *REALLY big hugs*

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