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[personal profile] estelraca
Almost burst into tears while putting a dog to sleep today. Like, I was trying really hard not to simply start bawling in the exam room, was blinking away tears, trying not to sniffle, biting my tongue hard enough to draw blood because I needed to not cry and it just barely worked. My voice still cracked when I was trying to explain things and I still had to swipe at my eyes but at least I didn't full on break down. I still kind of hate myself right now because of this. It was a hard case--it was an old therapy dog, super sweet old girl, but she had really bad kidney problems and I could probably have made her feel better for a little bit but I couldn't fix it and the owner didn't want to go through the roller-coaster of a dog with kidney disease. I'd already had two different half-hour conversations with the owner crying the whole time trying to explain the problem and the options, and the owner was crying the whole time we were putting the dog down and meanwhile the dog was trying to lick the owner's face to make her feel better and tail wagging the whole time and I just couldn't handle it like I needed to. She wasn't my dog. It wasn't my grief or my right to cry then. I did the euthanasia perfectly (one of the reasons I think the emotional part of euthanasias is hitting me harder now is that my skill with hitting veins and not blowing them even when they're ancient has gotten astronomically better, so when it's a big dog and during business hours so my techs are there and it's well-restrained there's nothing else to focus on). But I know my tech was annoyed with me, and I know that my bosses would've been able to do it without getting that shaken, and I know I need to figure out how to do even the hardest euthanasia without letting the tears show to the owner because it's not my pet. It's theirs. It's their grief. But we've had so many bad euthanasias this week, old sweet animals with super-attached owners, and I just... couldn't. I couldn't find that distance right then.

And the government has sold my student loans to a different company without telling me anything, meaning I can't pay electronically (and meaning I had to spend time tracking this down because they didn't tell me). Meaning I have to figure out where to send a check, and will have an extra ten days or so worth of interest charged, which on vet school loans is not a laughing matter. But at least I know what's going on there now, as opposed to my freak-out when I found out that I couldn't pay this month's amount due.

And M's car died (like, scrapyard dead) and Cat's car is making strange noises. And Cat had a rough day at work, and is not in a good mood now and is tired and stressed.

And I'm having stupid issues about my writing again. I shouldn't. I know. I am a decent writer, no matter what my own self-doubts want to say. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to write things.  It doesn't matter who reads it or reviews it. All the fanfic writing I do is good practice. All that should matter is that I enjoy writing whatever I'm working on, that I get the practice with the craft. Other stuff is icing on the cake. And one day I will actually finish one of my original works. Or maybe I won't. But I should enjoy it. Writing is something I love, and I should (and do) enjoy it, so stop obsessing over stupid things, brain.

Nothing absolutely terrible is going on.  There's just been a lot of little things plus some grey days that have added up to make me a bit depressed.  Blargh.  Hopefully we'll read some Vorkosigan or watch some Kitchen Nightmare or something once Cat's had a chance to settle down and life will look better.
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