estelraca: (Default)
[personal profile] estelraca
"Do you cry when you go home?  Frequently?"

Why yes.

Yes I do.

I cry because there are people like you who could save their animal and won't because of money.

I cry because there are people who cry and beg and plead with me and I can't give them what they want for free, because the ones who demand the most and promise the most are almost always the ones who never follow through on their promises for repayment.

I cry that money has to be a part of the profession.  I cry that I can't do what I want to do because my techs need to eat and I need to eat and I need to pay the fucking useless government an exorbitant amount of money each month for the education that lets me do my job.

I cry because money is so much a part of the damned medical profession that I automatically think of it now, that I automatically downgrade my expectations of what can and will be done for patients because I know that almost no one will just let me do what should be done.

I cry because when people *do* let me do what I need to do I can't always fix things. Sometimes I can't even tell them what the problem is.

I cry because a woman screamed at me not to take her cat away from her, that it was Christmas, that the cat was all she had.  As though I wanted the cat to be sick.  As though I was the one who wouldn't take the cat to a specialist.

I cry because I remember their names.  Ashes.  Timber.  Sara.  Charlie.  Simon.  Kipper.

I cry because I sometimes don't remember their names.  She died in my arms and I will never forget the look on her owner's face when I brought her body into the room or the tone of voice when the owner said her name but I can't remember what the name is anymore.

I cry.  And I make Cat cry.

And you weren't even trying to be cruel when you asked the question.  That's the kicker.  At least I can get angry back when people are cruel.  This?  All this does is hurt.  So congratulations, I guess.  You win.

Maybe your cat will get lucky.  Maybe it won't die of sepsis from a pyometra that I could have fixed with surgery if you let me.  I hope so, because I really, really don't need something else to cry about.

Date: 2014-01-04 03:17 am (UTC)
ancslove: (Default)
From: [personal profile] ancslove
That's absolutely awful, and I can't even imagine being under that much pressure, and having lives so directly dependent on me. All I can say is the cliched but true advice to remember why you're in this profession and how it feels after a success. And I know that sometimes, that knowledge just isn't enough.

*hugs*

Date: 2014-01-04 03:38 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] tcregan
I seriously almost started crying upon reading this. I know how pissed off people get with me when I refuse to work on their computers for free, and that's just a computer.

That client honestly had no right, and I think it was within your right to tell her that's a very personal question and has no bearing on your business transaction, thanks.

People are assholes.

I seriously could not do your job. For all the complaining that I have about mine? I wouldn't make it two days in your shoes. You have my condolences and my respect for the humanity and compassion you have to have to do that job, and for staying sane in a profession that's harder than most.

Date: 2014-01-04 04:15 am (UTC)
box_of_doom: (hearts)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
Sometimes I worry about you, because it seems you so often have heartbreaking days, and you're such a kind soul and you do not deserve that.

Sometimes I want to flail at you and push you into becoming a specialist in one form or another because then you wouldn't have to deal with all of this necessarily, but then money and tests and things and... there's always issues.

I agree with TC in that there is no way that I could do your job. You are an amazing person to have the calling, and to put up with the bad alongside the good, because there seems to be a lot of it. I'm sorry that money is annoying, and I swear that if I ever win the lottery or come into some ridiculous amount of money, I'm totally setting up scholarships and donating anonymously to animal clinics and such so that people can afford to get the things they need. (Especially the scholarship thing. I would love to have one in my name you have no idea that would be awesome.)


Sometimes I wish I could reach out through the interwebs and join in the group hugs, rather than being stuck with words because it sucks seeing you upset. (Part of me worries that I was seeming to steal your thunder with my crying and frustration after yours when I was down there. I assure you that was not the intent.)

But in all, I guess I'm stuck with still giving you the virtual hugs for now.

So, *hugs*

I'm glad you have a full weekend at least. I hope it is fun, cheerful, and full of awesomeness.

Date: 2014-01-04 10:03 am (UTC)
enjolras: (blaze)
From: [personal profile] enjolras
Echoing the sentiments of others. I couldn't do your job. Not due to the emotional issues, but anger management. I'm sure Cat may feel the same way as I do, having to witness your tears and be there for you as you tell her the whys. I have this near overwhelming desire to strangle any of TC's coworkers or clients for her whenever she runs into an asshole.

This, where a life hangs in the balance, is worse than a shitty computer with shittier Outlook.

I freely admit that I value animal life over the lives of people. I wouldn't have your tolerance and patience. There's the kicker, I think. You value the lives of these animals over your own emotional duress. You stick through with the worst humanity has to offer for a greater good. Even if you can't save a life one day, you'll go back again and again. You'll deal with the financial bullshit, the half-baked excuses, the sociopathy of clientele, and all the other small-fry pittances of your job just to keep making a difference.

And I'm sure that there are times when that difference can't be seen. That maybe you feel you didn't do enough one day, or that you utterly failed another day.

But every damn day that you do your bloody job and put up with all the hell that goes with it, you're a fucking hero.

I can only guess how you do it. You're a stronger person than I am as I'd only succumb to the endless amounts of rage. You're a brave soul, Estel.

Fuck those clients. Fuck 'em hard. Fuck 'em with a axepick. May they die a thousand times over mentally and emotionally for what they put you and their 'pets' through.

Date: 2014-01-05 01:38 am (UTC)
feuilllly: (Default)
From: [personal profile] feuilllly
*sends you all the hugs*
The only advice I can really give you is to try to concentrate on all the good times you've had at work, when you've saved and helped the animals. And when that isn't enough, there is no shame in just breaking down and asking someone to comfort you. I hope that no one asks such a question again.
box_of_doom: meditation (Default)
From: [personal profile] box_of_doom
Estel, there is no reason that you should have to handle it all on your own. (And I'm a total hypocrite saying that because I bottle all the time but somehow that doesn't make it any less true.)

Though of course you should also share all the happy times because I'm glad to know that there's tons of those too, and somehow I don't think I'm in the minority there.

Date: 2014-01-06 07:00 pm (UTC)
bobbiewickham: Kalinda Sharma of The Good Wife (Default)
From: [personal profile] bobbiewickham
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. *hugs* What an awful question for him to ask.

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