estelraca: (Default)
[personal profile] estelraca
"Do you cry when you go home?  Frequently?"

Why yes.

Yes I do.

I cry because there are people like you who could save their animal and won't because of money.

I cry because there are people who cry and beg and plead with me and I can't give them what they want for free, because the ones who demand the most and promise the most are almost always the ones who never follow through on their promises for repayment.

I cry that money has to be a part of the profession.  I cry that I can't do what I want to do because my techs need to eat and I need to eat and I need to pay the fucking useless government an exorbitant amount of money each month for the education that lets me do my job.

I cry because money is so much a part of the damned medical profession that I automatically think of it now, that I automatically downgrade my expectations of what can and will be done for patients because I know that almost no one will just let me do what should be done.

I cry because when people *do* let me do what I need to do I can't always fix things. Sometimes I can't even tell them what the problem is.

I cry because a woman screamed at me not to take her cat away from her, that it was Christmas, that the cat was all she had.  As though I wanted the cat to be sick.  As though I was the one who wouldn't take the cat to a specialist.

I cry because I remember their names.  Ashes.  Timber.  Sara.  Charlie.  Simon.  Kipper.

I cry because I sometimes don't remember their names.  She died in my arms and I will never forget the look on her owner's face when I brought her body into the room or the tone of voice when the owner said her name but I can't remember what the name is anymore.

I cry.  And I make Cat cry.

And you weren't even trying to be cruel when you asked the question.  That's the kicker.  At least I can get angry back when people are cruel.  This?  All this does is hurt.  So congratulations, I guess.  You win.

Maybe your cat will get lucky.  Maybe it won't die of sepsis from a pyometra that I could have fixed with surgery if you let me.  I hope so, because I really, really don't need something else to cry about.
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