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"Do you cry when you go home? Frequently?"
Why yes.
Yes I do.
I cry because there are people like you who could save their animal and won't because of money.
I cry because there are people who cry and beg and plead with me and I can't give them what they want for free, because the ones who demand the most and promise the most are almost always the ones who never follow through on their promises for repayment.
I cry that money has to be a part of the profession. I cry that I can't do what I want to do because my techs need to eat and I need to eat and I need to pay the fucking useless government an exorbitant amount of money each month for the education that lets me do my job.
I cry because money is so much a part of the damned medical profession that I automatically think of it now, that I automatically downgrade my expectations of what can and will be done for patients because I know that almost no one will just let me do what should be done.
I cry because when people *do* let me do what I need to do I can't always fix things. Sometimes I can't even tell them what the problem is.
I cry because a woman screamed at me not to take her cat away from her, that it was Christmas, that the cat was all she had. As though I wanted the cat to be sick. As though I was the one who wouldn't take the cat to a specialist.
I cry because I remember their names. Ashes. Timber. Sara. Charlie. Simon. Kipper.
I cry because I sometimes don't remember their names. She died in my arms and I will never forget the look on her owner's face when I brought her body into the room or the tone of voice when the owner said her name but I can't remember what the name is anymore.
I cry. And I make Cat cry.
And you weren't even trying to be cruel when you asked the question. That's the kicker. At least I can get angry back when people are cruel. This? All this does is hurt. So congratulations, I guess. You win.
Maybe your cat will get lucky. Maybe it won't die of sepsis from a pyometra that I could have fixed with surgery if you let me. I hope so, because I really, really don't need something else to cry about.
Why yes.
Yes I do.
I cry because there are people like you who could save their animal and won't because of money.
I cry because there are people who cry and beg and plead with me and I can't give them what they want for free, because the ones who demand the most and promise the most are almost always the ones who never follow through on their promises for repayment.
I cry that money has to be a part of the profession. I cry that I can't do what I want to do because my techs need to eat and I need to eat and I need to pay the fucking useless government an exorbitant amount of money each month for the education that lets me do my job.
I cry because money is so much a part of the damned medical profession that I automatically think of it now, that I automatically downgrade my expectations of what can and will be done for patients because I know that almost no one will just let me do what should be done.
I cry because when people *do* let me do what I need to do I can't always fix things. Sometimes I can't even tell them what the problem is.
I cry because a woman screamed at me not to take her cat away from her, that it was Christmas, that the cat was all she had. As though I wanted the cat to be sick. As though I was the one who wouldn't take the cat to a specialist.
I cry because I remember their names. Ashes. Timber. Sara. Charlie. Simon. Kipper.
I cry because I sometimes don't remember their names. She died in my arms and I will never forget the look on her owner's face when I brought her body into the room or the tone of voice when the owner said her name but I can't remember what the name is anymore.
I cry. And I make Cat cry.
And you weren't even trying to be cruel when you asked the question. That's the kicker. At least I can get angry back when people are cruel. This? All this does is hurt. So congratulations, I guess. You win.
Maybe your cat will get lucky. Maybe it won't die of sepsis from a pyometra that I could have fixed with surgery if you let me. I hope so, because I really, really don't need something else to cry about.
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*hugs*
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I have had some awesome successes. Even some that I didn't expect to have go well have gone well, and sometimes we're able to help people out and spread out payments. We do what we can. I do what I can. And there's always new kittens and puppies that we get to see and take care of. The holidays tend to be a very emotional time for our clients, which makes it a very hard time for us in turn.
And I think I'm actually more scared that there will come a time when I don't cry. When I can shrug it off. I'd rather hurt than not feel, if that makes any sense, though it doesn't make the hurting any easier.
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That client honestly had no right, and I think it was within your right to tell her that's a very personal question and has no bearing on your business transaction, thanks.
People are assholes.
I seriously could not do your job. For all the complaining that I have about mine? I wouldn't make it two days in your shoes. You have my condolences and my respect for the humanity and compassion you have to have to do that job, and for staying sane in a profession that's harder than most.
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I couldn't do your job. Computers hate me. I'd somehow manage to make them spontaneously combust. :-) And at least most people treat me with respect, even when they're angry or accusatory. Having to be polite to idiots who don't make even a pretense of being polite in return takes a different skill set entirely.
I think the jury's still out on my sanity, but I'm still doing the best job I can, I'm not abusing drugs, and I haven't attempted to kill myself yet. Avoiding the most common pitfalls of the profession so far!
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Sometimes I want to flail at you and push you into becoming a specialist in one form or another because then you wouldn't have to deal with all of this necessarily, but then money and tests and things and... there's always issues.
I agree with TC in that there is no way that I could do your job. You are an amazing person to have the calling, and to put up with the bad alongside the good, because there seems to be a lot of it. I'm sorry that money is annoying, and I swear that if I ever win the lottery or come into some ridiculous amount of money, I'm totally setting up scholarships and donating anonymously to animal clinics and such so that people can afford to get the things they need. (Especially the scholarship thing. I would love to have one in my name you have no idea that would be awesome.)
Sometimes I wish I could reach out through the interwebs and join in the group hugs, rather than being stuck with words because it sucks seeing you upset. (Part of me worries that I was seeming to steal your thunder with my crying and frustration after yours when I was down there. I assure you that was not the intent.)
But in all, I guess I'm stuck with still giving you the virtual hugs for now.
So, *hugs*
I'm glad you have a full weekend at least. I hope it is fun, cheerful, and full of awesomeness.
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I think it would be amazing to have a scholarship in your name! Scholarships really make such a huge difference in helping to make schooling possible. And there really is this huge financial barrier to even attempting to be a vet. It's really, really sad, and I am lucky to have gotten through school with as little debt as I got.
Your hugs and your words are always appreciated. And never worry about crying or about sharing anything that's bothering you. About half the time my crying will set Cat to crying, and then we'll all discuss what issues we've been having.
A full weekend will be delightful. Maybe I can actually get my brain into a good place and do some serious writing again. I miss writing and the feeling of intense productivity.
*gives all the happy virtual hugs and hopes you have an amazing weekend too*
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This, where a life hangs in the balance, is worse than a shitty computer with shittier Outlook.
I freely admit that I value animal life over the lives of people. I wouldn't have your tolerance and patience. There's the kicker, I think. You value the lives of these animals over your own emotional duress. You stick through with the worst humanity has to offer for a greater good. Even if you can't save a life one day, you'll go back again and again. You'll deal with the financial bullshit, the half-baked excuses, the sociopathy of clientele, and all the other small-fry pittances of your job just to keep making a difference.
And I'm sure that there are times when that difference can't be seen. That maybe you feel you didn't do enough one day, or that you utterly failed another day.
But every damn day that you do your bloody job and put up with all the hell that goes with it, you're a fucking hero.
I can only guess how you do it. You're a stronger person than I am as I'd only succumb to the endless amounts of rage. You're a brave soul, Estel.
Fuck those clients. Fuck 'em hard. Fuck 'em with a axepick. May they die a thousand times over mentally and emotionally for what they put you and their 'pets' through.
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Usually I do all right dealing with clients. I hate seeing anything hurt, be it an animal or a person, and I think being empathic tends to keep things from getting out of hand. (Except for the one guy that I almost got in a fistfight with. That was fun.) I try to get people to understand what they can do better in the future without making them feel more like shit for what's happening now. And a lot of times it works.
I've gotten better at handling certain things. If someone wants to accuse me of wanting their animal to die because they won't get it treatment... that's not my fault. I do the best that I can for them. If stupid idiots want to open their conversation with me by saying "I don't trust vets", when they've slathered their cat with garlic (which can make cat red blood cells explode) for fleas, well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
But sometimes it just gets overwhelming, or people come up with new and creative ways to slide around whatever emotional barriers I manage to put up.
Thanks for the response. It means a lot to know there are people out there who think I'm doing good.
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The only advice I can really give you is to try to concentrate on all the good times you've had at work, when you've saved and helped the animals. And when that isn't enough, there is no shame in just breaking down and asking someone to comfort you. I hope that no one asks such a question again.
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Thanks. I do try to remember the good I've done. I try to remember the puppies and kittens I've protected. I try to get back to see the animals I've helped--my two three-legged kittens that the clinic managed to adopt out both came back recently for their neuters, and it was awesome to see them.
It's sometimes hard to remember the good over the bad, though. And there are a lot of times I just don't want to hurt Cat, and I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for comfort so often from him or from you all. Like... I chose this, I should be able to handle it.
But the hugs are greatly appreciated, and do make the world a better place.
Replying to the wrong comment, I know. So sue me. <3
Though of course you should also share all the happy times because I'm glad to know that there's tons of those too, and somehow I don't think I'm in the minority there.
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