(no subject)

[estelraca]

Almost burst into tears while putting a dog to sleep today. Like, I was trying really hard not to simply start bawling in the exam room, was blinking away tears, trying not to sniffle, biting my tongue hard enough to draw blood because I needed to not cry and it just barely worked. My voice still cracked when I was trying to explain things and I still had to swipe at my eyes but at least I didn't full on break down. I still kind of hate myself right now because of this. It was a hard case--it was an old therapy dog, super sweet old girl, but she had really bad kidney problems and I could probably have made her feel better for a little bit but I couldn't fix it and the owner didn't want to go through the roller-coaster of a dog with kidney disease. I'd already had two different half-hour conversations with the owner crying the whole time trying to explain the problem and the options, and the owner was crying the whole time we were putting the dog down and meanwhile the dog was trying to lick the owner's face to make her feel better and tail wagging the whole time and I just couldn't handle it like I needed to. She wasn't my dog. It wasn't my grief or my right to cry then. I did the euthanasia perfectly (one of the reasons I think the emotional part of euthanasias is hitting me harder now is that my skill with hitting veins and not blowing them even when they're ancient has gotten astronomically better, so when it's a big dog and during business hours so my techs are there and it's well-restrained there's nothing else to focus on). But I know my tech was annoyed with me, and I know that my bosses would've been able to do it without getting that shaken, and I know I need to figure out how to do even the hardest euthanasia without letting the tears show to the owner because it's not my pet. It's theirs. It's their grief. But we've had so many bad euthanasias this week, old sweet animals with super-attached owners, and I just... couldn't. I couldn't find that distance right then.

And the government has sold my student loans to a different company without telling me anything, meaning I can't pay electronically (and meaning I had to spend time tracking this down because they didn't tell me). Meaning I have to figure out where to send a check, and will have an extra ten days or so worth of interest charged, which on vet school loans is not a laughing matter. But at least I know what's going on there now, as opposed to my freak-out when I found out that I couldn't pay this month's amount due.

And M's car died (like, scrapyard dead) and Cat's car is making strange noises. And Cat had a rough day at work, and is not in a good mood now and is tired and stressed.

And I'm having stupid issues about my writing again. I shouldn't. I know. I am a decent writer, no matter what my own self-doubts want to say. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to write things.  It doesn't matter who reads it or reviews it. All the fanfic writing I do is good practice. All that should matter is that I enjoy writing whatever I'm working on, that I get the practice with the craft. Other stuff is icing on the cake. And one day I will actually finish one of my original works. Or maybe I won't. But I should enjoy it. Writing is something I love, and I should (and do) enjoy it, so stop obsessing over stupid things, brain.

Nothing absolutely terrible is going on.  There's just been a lot of little things plus some grey days that have added up to make me a bit depressed.  Blargh.  Hopefully we'll read some Vorkosigan or watch some Kitchen Nightmare or something once Cat's had a chance to settle down and life will look better.

Comments

[box_of_doom]

*hugs*

It's okay to be emotional. Again, I will say that I could never have the job you do, because I would probably be breaking down every single time. (Admittedly I'm more than a little necrophobic, which wouldn't help anything either, but still.) To be honest, I'd rather have someone who I could cry with if I ever was in that situation than someone who remained cold. And the dog's story sounds so heart-wrenching that it's affecting me reading it, and the atmosphere sounds like it would have been so emotionally charged, so I can only imagine what it would have been like being there.

The government is stupid sometimes. And by sometimes I mean a lot. I'm sorry that they were directly stupid to you like that. It sucks. I hope that they at least give you a bit of relief, due to not giving you any notice whatsoever. They should, as a business model. (And being vocal about it may help you get that.)

Also, your writing is wonderful. I don't think I've read anything of yours that I didn't like. I may be just one person, but I can say that quite honestly at least. (And I can also tell you that tsukinogake was laughing along with me on the fics that I've showed her. ...for that matter, she pretty much gets me to poke her every time you update anything, so I can officially say that you have fans if that counts for anything.) And you should enjoy it, yes. Write what you like and like what you write. <3

It's only a 5-ish hour trip to go and hug the lot of you. That's totally worth it, right?

[estelraca]

Yeah, being necrophobic would not be a good thing for this job. ^.^; I've had trouble in the past with getting upset, but never as hard a time controlling it while in front of the client as I did today. The decision to euthanize was a very reasonable and considered one, but it was still a terrible situation all around.

The government manages to make everything about a thousand times more complicated than it has to be. >.< It's exceedingly frustrating. But at least we're getting that one sorted out now.

And thanks for the compliments about my writing. I'm glad that you and tsukinogake enjoy my work. It really means a lot to me. (And oh boy do I write what I like. There's a reason poor Enjolras doesn't get to actually stay, you know, a normal human in about seventy-five percent of my stories. And even when he is a normal person, about a fifty percent chance of ghosts. Because for all my fandoms I must occasionally go through and KILL EVERYONE. ...It tends to be some of my best work.)

We're definitely going to have to get together. We can save up hugs until then.

[box_of_doom]

No-one ever said the best decision had to be the emotionally easiest. That's for sure.

Now just for the other bazillion issues. *pokes the government with several sticks*

It should be tsukinokage. Because I can spell. But yes.
Heh. Ghosts are good. Though I suppose you already know my position there. And if it makes for awesome work, all the better. If very sad.

Indeed. Obviously someone needs to invent the hug bank to serve such a purpose.

[enjolras]

Hate to jump into the conversation, but is tsukinokage the same tsukinokage on LJ? The one who used to write HP fiction and Yami no Matsuei fanfic? She wrote with Xandria before in a closed rp?

If so, wow. Small world!

[box_of_doom]

Pretty sure she's not, unfortunately.

She had about half a dozen lj accounts over the years, but typing in that URL... I don't think that was one of them.

Sorry.

[mmejavert]

*hugs* You have a big heart so of course you're going to be emotional. It happens to the best of us. At least it sounded like this dog was tired and weary and definitely not going before her time, but sadness and tears are definitely contagious. I don't think you should beat yourself up over it. ♥

And I totally hear you in regards to writing. Obsessing over stupid things is definitely something we have in common.

Loans. Blah. What total dicks. I don't own a checkbook so I can just imagine what a giant hassle it is to have to write checks every month. This company totally needs to join the 21st century here. :| And I feel the car noises feel. Oh, that one is close to home too.

*more hugs* ♥

[estelraca]

I'm glad the general consensus seems to be that at least if I was going to do something less-than-professional at least crying was the right direction to go. The dog was definitely old and the euthanasia decision was a reasonable one, it was just hard on everyone.

Sometimes I hate my brain's relationship with writing. Because if I can't write, then I get sad. But then I do write and it's wonderful for a little bit but then I start wondering if actually no maybe what I created sucked. And then I get sad and then it's hard to write, and then I'm sad because I can't write, and it is a very silly vicious circle.

And the government always makes things ten times harder than it needs to. >.< It's annoying.

Hope both your car and Cat's hold in there.

*hugs back*

[bobbiewickham]

Oh, I'm so sorry about the dog. It's okay, I think, if you can't always keep your emotional distance--okay and inevitable both. I imagine the ability to keep that distance all the time is something that only comes with years of practice.

Student loans....grrr. Everything about them is just rage-inducing, and who on earth uses actual checks anymore?

And your writing is way better than decent, of course.

[estelraca]

Thanks for the kind words.

The student loan thing was absolutely rage-inducing because they didn't give me any warning. I had to call them and figure out why I couldn't pay my student loans on-line anymore. And then go order checks. It's all just been epically stupid. Which is, I suppose, about par for the course for the government lately. -.-

[catofshades]

Sorry my mood upset you. *hugs*

And I wish your work was so rough on you hon. I don't have much constructive to offer, just really big hugs. *REALLY big hugs*

[estelraca]

Your mood didn't upset me, love. It just hit me kind of hard. We went on to have a good day, though.

*really big hugs back* I love you. You make everything worthwhile. And I wasn't trying to guilt you into reading anything yesterday. Do whatever you're comfortable with, whatever isn't going to make things harder on you.