(no subject)

[estelraca]

I think I hate not knowing most out of anything in this profession--and that's saying a lot, because if I never had to deal with financial troubles again I would be ecstatic.

Or maybe it's a subset of financial problems, where finances mean that I can't give people the answer that they desperately need for closure--that *I* need for closure.

I don't know why kitty had a hematocrit somewhere in the 5-6% range.  I don't even know what the hematocrit was, not for certain, because we couldn't even afford that testing.  I just know that it was super low, blood like water, blood that wouldn't clot.  I know that kitty's temp was low and falling, because kitty was trying to die.  I know that to save her we would have needed an incubator and an IV and a blood transfusion and several hundred dollars to get it all, and I'm sorry that we couldn't even try.

Even if we tried, with how sick kitty was, we likely wouldn't have gotten very far, and I'm sorry that's the best comfort I can give any of us on that account.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell the desperate, sad, crying, pregnant owner if it was panleukopenia or a rodenticide toxicity or something else.  I'm sorry she tried to save a stray, gave it five days of love, enough to get her and the kids attached, and this is how it ended up.

And I'm sorry, other kitty, kitty who is amazing and lovely and who survived two surgeries, one my very first tail amputation, that you have heartworm disease.  It's not common in cats--not common at all.  You escaped the common stray cat problems, and got this instead, and there's just nothing we can do other than keep our fingers crossed and help with the secondary problems like heart failure and try to keep you breathing all right because the treatment for heartworm disease in cats usually results in a dead cat.  But not treating might result in a dead cat.

There's been too much death and cats today.
I've been getting better at dealing with things like this.  It usually doesn't slip through my defenses quite so much, but the one-two whammy today just... rough morning.  Really, really rough morning.

Comments

[tcregan]

Every time you talk about your job, it puts mine into wild perspective. No matter how stupid people are when they come to me with computer problems, I seriously would never, ever want your position. I couldn't do it. You have to be stronger than the average person to deal with that. I broke down when Severus needed surgery. I was in tears for a week and still wasn't fully recovered once she was deemed out of the woods.

*hugs*

You're doing good work. And I admire the hell out of you for that.

[estelraca]

Thanks. The hugs are greatly appreciated. There are wonderful things about this job--getting to fix animals and send them home is a fantastic thing. Taking two hundred artificial pine needles out of a cat and sending it home and having it be happy and healthy again is a feeling beyond words. And there are kitten and puppy exams, which are awesome.

But then there are days like yesterday, where you feel helpless and useless. It's kind of nice to have somewhere to rant about it where I don't feel like I'm just dumping my issues on Cat, because Cat doesn't need them on top of his. Plus I kind of feel like I signed up for it. I knew what the job entailed. It's just... harder than expected, sometimes, having to be the one in control and with the answers and not just biting your lip in the corner so you don't cry, because it's the owner's right to cry and not yours to steal their grief.

Right, back to thinking about kittens! Because they make everything better. Sorry to hear that you had troubles with Severus that needed surgery, but happy to hear that she made it through all right.

[box_of_doom]

Poor kitties and poor Estel. *hugs*

Not knowing is always scary, no matter what the reason. I can imagine how it would be even worse with death, and with creatures that can't speak up for themselves at that.

I hope that, at the very least, tomorrow will be better.

[estelraca]

Thank you for the hugs and well wishes! So far today has been much better than yesterday.

I hate feeling helpless. I think out of all the feelings in the world that it's the most awful one. Especially when it's a matter of life and death, of trying to give someone an idea of what they can expect, it's hard.

But there are good things about this job, too. I get to fix critters and even death isn't always a bad thing. There can be a peace and acceptance in euthanasia that's better for the owner and the animal than other alternatives, sometimes.

[mmejavert]

*hugs* Poor poor kitties. At least that first one was able to die surrounded by people who loved it, instead of alone/abandoned.

[catofshades]

*loves on you*

[bobbiewickham]

Late to this post, but wow, I'm sorry. I suppose this is the downside of doing a job that actually matters. The setbacks hurt.

[estelraca]

Extremely belated reply to this (real life has just been sapping away all time and energy lately), but thanks for the well-wishes. Sometimes I love my job; other times it rips my heart out and dances on it. I just have to keep reminding myself that, on the whole, I'm doing more good than not.